Confessing to Sasuke
by Crickets
Summary: Naruto knows that declaring his undying love for Sasuke shouldn't be so humiliating. Too bad the universe hates him.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: A long fic! I'm so proud of myself.

Pairing: Sasuke/Naruto (because I'm a closet romantic sap like that).

Warning: Other than the obvious slash one, there is mention of sex (once or twice) and love.

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In Which A Haiku Is (Unfortunately) Involved

Naruto is determined to tell Sasuke the truth. It isn't that big a deal really and it wouldn't be such a problem if all of the plans that he had painstakingly come up with so far hadn't backfired so spectacularly. Naturally, the entire universe hates him.

He had gone to Kiba after a rather frustrating practice session during which Sakura (whom he had started referring to as 'The Horny Slut' in his mind) had thrown herself all over Sasuke and it had been disgusting to watch. He had made gagging motions throughout dinner and The Slut had glared at him reproachfully. Well, it had actually bordered along the lines of hatefully, but still.

Kiba had been surprisingly sympathetic about the entire thing, which was freaky because Naruto had barely said anything during the first two hours. Then Neji had shown up and had rolled his (scary) white eyes at Naruto. So, of course, Naruto had gotten angry and yelled at him until Kiba had shouted "Shut up, you idiots," and they had.

"How do you confess your feelings of love to someone you, uh, love?" Naruto had blurted out not too long afterwards in an embarrassing display of lack of self-control. Not that he had much to begin with. He still kept trying his best anyways. Neji had stared and stared and stared while Naruto had fidgeted uncomfortably and wondered why Kiba was sober on today of all days.

Kiba had made more sympathetic clucking noises, conferred with his damned dog, and declared loudly and confidently, "Love letters are the thing to do nowadays."

Naruto had nodded (in what he knew was a sage manner but Kiba vowed was stupid) and departed not long after because Neji's staring didn't seem like it was going to stop anytime soon.

So, now he was stuck on a perfectly beautiful Saturday morning in a storage closet in the basement of Konoha's library (for privacy) with a single candle for illumination. He was starting to sweat and none of books on writing love letters had seemed useful.

He cracked upon the door, crawled out carefully, and scrambled in backwards immediately. One last try and then he was going to go tell Kiba that he was MORON. Capital letters and all.

The last book was tiny, titled 'Love: Haikus and Letters' and was _ancient_. And it was _perfect_. He flipped open to page number seven because he was sentimentalist and because team seven was the reason that Naruto had fallen in love with Sasuke after all, and started writing The Letter.

_Dearest Sasuke_, _Uchiha_, _Uchiha_,

_Thinking of you, I see poems in the air_: _Black eyes and smile. _

_Love _

Naruto frowned at the letter. His handwriting was abysmal, the haiku inaccurate and there was an ink smudge on the bottom left corner, which was weird because he was right-handed. He tilted his head to look at the ceiling imploringly and banged his head on a stray nail instead. Kiba, Naruto decided, was going to contract a severe case of diarrhea that night.

The finished product was only slightly better in that the writing was legible and the haiku was accurate.

Naruto had forgotten to ask Kiba how one delivered letters of that kind to the appropriate person. So, he sulked all through their weeding session (D-class missions _sucked_) and hung upside down outside of Kiba's window until Kiba had noticed him ("Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?") and let him in.

"How do I deliver it?" Naruto demanded as soon as he was inside. Kiba stared at him blankly and blinked rapidly in confusion. Naruto made a frustrated noise and waved the scroll in front of Kiba's face.

"Oh. You give it to them," Kiba said in a tone that indicated that he thought that Naruto was the stupidest person alive _ever_ for asking.

This led to some yelling on Naruto's part and a rather dramatic exit through the window and onto the roof top. He could hear Kiba muttering, but honestly, Naruto didn't care anymore because he had the best plan ever now.

Sasuke wasn't home as expected. But, that was good. It gave Naruto time to drop the scroll on Sasuke's doormat, find a nice hiding spot, and conceal his chakra. Fifteen minutes later, he had a mosquito bite on his right pinky and was seriously starting to get fidgety.

He missed the precise moment when Sasuke showed up, but caught the sight of Sasuke entering the house. The Letter was gone.

Naruto counted to hundred and backwards, wiped his hands on his pants, and knocked on the door. He was scratching his pinky with his teeth (because they were sharper and weirdly more effective than this nails) when the door opened. Sasuke looked at him until Naruto stopped gnawing on his finger and stepped inside.

"So, uh. How's life been?" Naruto asked politely. There was no answer as usual and Naruto trailed Sasuke into the kitchen where The Letter was lying unopened next to the coffeemaker. Naruto tried and failed in his attempt to not stare at it.

"Um. Uh. Ar-are you going to open it?" Naruto said, wincing at the sudden loudness. Sasuke jerked his head once (in what may have qualified as a nod in the affirmative if Naruto was willing to be generous) and tore open the seal.

Naruto had gotten to the fifty-eight in his head when Sasuke's shoulder's started shaking and he started making muffled noises. Naruto frowned and mentally reviewed the letter in his head. He was at the stage of silent-but-deeply-traumatizing-panic when Sasuke got himself under control and cleared his throat. Naruto simply stared at him in wide-eyed panic.

"_Dearest Uchiha_," Sasuke suddenly read out loud, "_Thinking of you, I see_." He had to stop because he was gigglingagain. _Giggling_ in _amusement_, Naruto realized. He had died and gone to hell. The letter was horrendous and Sasuke was never going to let him live this down, Sasuke was going to—

"—_poems in the air: Black (sometimes red) eyes and a smirk._" There was coughing and this was awful and he must have tortured kittens in his previous life because Sasuke was _talking_ again.

"The idiot forgot to sign his name," Sasuke observed in an approximation of his normal voice. Naruto winced (inwardly because he wasn't going to confess _anything_ now).

He was going to leave just as soon as he told Sasuke that, except self-control was something of an issue for him apparently because Naruto was talking too loudly again. "You don't like the poem?"

Sasuke coughed (twice), cleared his throat (once), and coughed (twice, again) before answering. "No, it's. Just, no."

Naruto nodded once and he opened his mouth to say goodbye, but he was asking why now. Life was horrible and Sasuke was a mean bastard because he was laughing at Naruto again. Although, objectively speaking, Sasuke wasn't aware of it. But. That didn't count and Naruto really needed to know why and damn it, he was going to have to learn to _shut up_.

"Because, it's not a Haiku," Sasuke managed to explain before he started having another coughing fit.

"Well, it is accurate," Naruto protested and promptly hated himself for it. Sasuke shrugged, cleared his throat, and asked if there was a reason Naruto was there. Naruto muttered something inaudible about training and disappeared before he could dig his grave any deeper.

He was going to kill Kiba. As soon as he nursed his broken, brushed, and cruised ego back to health, that is.

Kiba was astoundingly unhelpful, which was unsurprising considering how Naruto had unleashed large quantities of rage at him for three hours everyday after practice for an entire week. Neji's expression had been scarily unchanging each time and Naruto was now convinced that Neji was some sort of a freaky un-human.

Naruto naturally started avoiding Sasuke and Sakura, (who continued to display herself wantonly for Sasuke), and spent great amounts of time hiding out in the basement of Kakashi's apartment because his teacher was never at home and therefore couldn't spy on him. (Naruto sometimes experienced great insights and flashes of wisdom like that).

On the eleventh day after the disaster, Kiba tracked him down and bodily dragged him out from behind the broken down laundry machine in the left corner that everyone avoided because it smelt like regurgitated socks. Naruto went limp and become a dead weight until he realized that Kiba would not pick him up and would probably, literally, drag Naruto through the streets.

Neji was waiting for them and looking nonchalant, which immediately made Naruto suspicious. Kakashi appeared then and waved a cheerful "Yo" much to Naruto's consternation. Neji nodded. When Naruto started hyperventilating because he knew that Kakashi somehow knew and he knew that Kakashi knew that he somehow knew, Neji frowned at him and caught him by the pants as Naruto tried to make a run for it.

Naruto yelled, "Stop groping me, you bastard," but that only made Neji pull on his pants harder.

When Naruto looked at Kakashi imploringly, his teacher nodded sympathetically and murmured, "You know, I have a lot of experience in those areas."

Naruto's panicked mind offered images of Kakashi in lewd sexual orgies. But this time the universe loved him and let him black out from the extreme lack of oxygen.

Neji did not catch him but Kiba had gotten him to his apartment. So now Naruto had scarring mental images, a concussion, dust in awkward places, and dirty bed sheets. Kakashi, thankfully, had disappeared.

"You know, you should really shower," Kiba half-ordered. Naruto glared him into silence and turned his head the other way in a heart-warming display of childish spitefulness.

Neji came in holding up the battered haiku book. "The poem on page seven," Neji started rather hesitantly, "which I'm assuming you used, is incomplete. It was supposed to, uh, get the creativity going, so, um, the writer could make it more personalized in the next two lines." The Gods definitely hated him, Naruto decided.

"I didn't _use_ it use it," Naruto defended. "I mean, he doesn't have golden eyes and he doesn't smile. Besides…" he trailed off into the sudden silence.

Kiba offered him a weak smile and said, "I thought you were going to confess to Sakura." Neji nodded and looked puzzled like he was trying to match a name and face to the 'he.'

Naruto had never tolerated lies (but, gossip was alright) or character defamation (unless it was gossip that didn't concern him). This meant that he was going to have to confess to two completely wrong people unless he wanted them to continue making inaccurate assumptions.

He scowled at Kiba who backed away. Neji, however, was stupid enough to say, "But, she's pretty."

"She's a _horny slut_," Naruto hissed, sitting up suddenly, alarmed by their shocked expressions. "Oh my god," he exclaimed in mute horror, "I can't believe you thought that I fell for that _thing_. She's always trying to steal Sasuke who is _mine_, by the way, and you would think that she would know that by now because _hello_, reality check, _I'm_ his best friend. Not her. And I hope she goes _bald_, the vindictive bitch."

Neji's left hand twitched. Kiba did typical guy avoidance thing (more proof that Neji was weird) and stared into the corner where Naruto hid all of his deepest, darkest, dirtiest laundry, whose existence Kiba was now aware of apparently because he was looking fixedly at it with terrified wonder and he was going to ask about it anytime now. So, Naruto did the wise thing and spilled his guts for the second time that night and snapped, "Yes, that's my dirty laundry. Stop. Staring."

Neji boggled at him for an entire minute. (Naruto had thought that it was a book character thing only, but it seemed that real people did it too; then again, Neji was an un-human, so it probably didn't count).

"We could help," Neji said in way of a peace offering. Kiba was vehemently shaking his head in denial. Not that Naruto was going to accept because (a) Kiba was an idiot (b) Neji was un-human (c) there were smarter people to ask for help (like Shikamaru, who was a genius despite what Sakura claimed) and (d) Naruto was only _sometimes _stupid.

"Just don't tell _anyone_, or I'll kick your ass," Naruto threatened and he was pleased to note that they both looked a little pale because he _had_ kicked their asses during the chounin exams not too long ago. Kiba and Neji departed soon afterwards after wishing good lucking and promising not to tell anyone.

Naruto sighed and made his way to the bathroom where he would inevitably end up entertaining mind revoltingly sugary thoughts about the paleness of Sasuke's skin, the blackness of his hair, the perfect-ness of his body, etc, etc.

Tomorrow, though, he would track down and force Shikamaru to give Naruto advice because Shikamaru was a lazy bastard and otherwise sucked like that. And, then Naruto would engage in more avoidance techniques. (It was a pity that he had to maintain a distance from the entire team seven (excluding himself although he would probably slip into a self-induced coma if Sasuke ever rejected him) because Naruto actually liked the team members). Life, contrary to all expectations, could and had become worse.

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There ends the first chapter. Reviews will be appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who reviewed. Secondly, this chapter is shorter than the other one by about thousand words (the others will be longer) simply because I started it and now can't remember what I was trying to do with it. (I do have a general plot outline done out, though). For now, I'm just going to update because it's been languishing on my computer for a long, long time.

Enjoy.

Oh, standard disclaimers and warnings from chapter one apply.

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The Magic Is Destroyed 

"He's showering," Nara Senior (Shikamaru's father) said, waving him inside. Naruto nodded and bounded up the stairs, ignoring invitations for breakfast (Naruto was wily like that and always timed himself to show up during what obviously qualified as 'food consumption time' at other peoples' houses). But today? Today was different for he was a man on a mission damn it and he wouldn't let anything come in his way. Although.

Naruto was eating through his fifth bowl (it could be his seventh, but nobody was _actually_ counting) when Shikamaru stumbled out of the bathroom in a skimpy towel. Naruto stared at Shikamaru's ass (because he was sitting down right outside the door) feeling like a pervert and tried to control his impulse to loudly exclaim if Shikamaru had to use unfathomable quantities of gel to control the halo of frizz around his head.

Shikamaru simply sighed. Clearly, Naruto needed more practice at _not_ speaking. "No, Naruto. I don't use gel. God, you are so annoying," Shikamaru drawled, dressing himself. Naruto squawked indignantly and scrunched his eyes shut tightly (because he was traumatized enough already, thank you very much).

"I need help. From you. Help me confess my feelings to Sasuke," he mumbled from behind the bowl, which he was using as shield now since Shikamaru insisted upon prancing around the room shirtless. (Of course, Shikamaru probably thought it was _cool_ or something and it wasn't that he was bad looking or anything. It was just that the _hair_ was totally _unbelievable_. Not that Naruto was going to tell him the truth because it was Shikamaru's reputation at stake and it wasn't like it was Naruto's duty or anything).

Shikamaru whacked him on the head once before turning around to go downstairs. Naruto was on his sixth bowl (but it could have been his tenth or eleventh) when Shikamaru pointed out that Naruto was going to be late for practice even by Kakashi's standards and that he should probably "Tell him you love him. Skip the poems. But don't be stupid about it."

Naruto nodded in gratitude and promised to stay on the low for awhile so that Shikamaru didn't have to stay awake at night wondering what new chaos Naruto was going to wreck on the village the next day. Shikamaru gave him a you-are-so-ridiculously-stupid-and-full-of-yourself look before shoving Naruto out the front door.

When he got to the bridge, he discovered that everyone, including his teacher, was already there. But Kakashi's early presence on the bridge only heightened Naruto's natural fear of him and prompted Naruto to glance about for (future) ways to escape. Sakura was sitting next to Sasuke who looked bored as always. Naruto merely squinted at him suspiciously (but not too obviously) and studiously ignored Sakura who was calling him all sorts of an idiot for making them all wait for over an hour. Clearly, nobody (excluding Kakashi) suspected anything.

Naruto sighed in relief and went to stand at the far end of bridge because proximity to others, past had proved, played a large part in his lack of self-control. Sakura glared at him at him some more. When Naruto ignored her in favor of counting the number of fish under the bridge, she started to complain loudly.

"He's going to destroy the team spirit," she whined. "And, then Sasuke will have to do all the work and save everyone. You will, won't you?" she asked breathlessly, batting her eyelashes at him for effect. Sasuke jerked his head in what was clearly a resounding 'no' (Naruto was _the_ expert on Sasuke's expressions, so he would know), but Sakura blushed anyways.

He fought the urge to throttle her and settled for throwing a kunai at one of the passing fish (jealousy was a dangerous thing to bottle up inside after all). It missed as he hadn't factored in the river's current and got lodged in the muddy bottom instead. He wondered why he hadn't pretended to be sick and skipped practice instead.

Kakashi, it turned out, was a sadist intent on inflicting vast amounts of pain upon Naruto's soul and brain. "Well, we can't have a dying team spirit, can we? Why don't we discuss what we did over the weekend and get to know each other more?" Kakashi suggested. There was a vaguely disturbing gleam in his light that had Naruto scrambling backwards in more fear (in vain).

"Is this because I know that you wear black boxers?" he confronted Kakashi once they'd found an isolated rooftop. There was a brief silence as the others paused in their settling down. A bird flew over their head, calling out briefly. "Wow, this is dramatic," Naruto muttered sitting in the back (because only Kakashi would be able to see him that way) and embarrassment was Naruto's best buddy it seemed. But, he could minimize it as much as he could and he would try or die trying.

Sakura twitched a little and then visibly gathered herself. "Naruto, you know, we will always support you no matter what happens, right?" she asked. Earnestness was her thing Naruto concluded. After a brief inner debate, he opted to feel guilty for hating her relationship with Sasuke instead of hating Kakashi for laughing at him (the bastard).

"I'll start," Kakashi surprisingly volunteered. It was official, Naruto concluded, his teacher was enjoying this _way_ too much. Kakashi merely bestowed a beatific smile upon his beloved and talented students. "I watched _Come, Come Paradise—The Movie_," he said, voice (was that _sultry_?) low and confidential. Naruto's mind was swimming with _bad _thoughts involving naked Kakashi and naked girls and too much nudity when Sakura, thankfully, came to the rescue.

"Ino and I worked on growing red and white roses in my garden. We grafted them, so I'll have pink ones in a week or so," she said, voice bright with enthusiasm. Kakashi expressed his approval and encouragement in a very gentlemanly and completely appropriate manner (as if that would erase the damage he had caused not thirty seconds ago by admitting to watching legalized _porn_ over the weekends). Sakura smiled warmly back and turned expectantly to Sasuke.

There was silence for a few minutes as everyone tacitly gave Sasuke time to gather his thoughts (and probably wrack his brain so that he could come up with something more than "I trained the entire time so that I will eventually be able to kill my piss-poor excuse of a brother." Naruto had decided long ago—the second week or something just as ridiculous—that Sasuke's weekends were probably number three or four on 'Top Ten Boring Weekends in Konoha'). So, _of course_, they were all stunned when he said, "I got a love letter with a bad, incomplete haiku in it."

Naruto fervently started praying for the building to fall apart. "It said," Sasuke continued, after encouraging nods from Kakashi and Sakura (although, Naruto only had the back of her head to go by), "it said." Here he paused and cleared his throat. Naruto used this opportunity to try to set the building on fire through sheer will power. Having failed at that, he tried to will deafness in his body. (He forgot about the part where he was a masochist at heart and that his subconscious knew this and had the power to overpower his conscious and did so at every possible moment).

"_Dearest Uchiha, Thinking of you, I see poems in the air: Black (sometimes red) eyes and smirk._" There was silence and muffled giggling during which Naruto weighed the pros and cons of dying a tragic death on a rooftop by cutting his wrists with a kunai. He had almost convinced himself that it was a good idea, the _best_ _idea_ ever in fact, and it would be a sacrifice in the name of love when he realized that everyone had twisted around to look at him. So much for suicide.

"I did my laundry," he offered tentatively. (But this was obviously a filthy, vicious lie. What he had actually done was strip his bed, chuck everything into a different corner and mediated (practically in the nude) on how long it would take for him to have a pile in every corner of (first) his bedroom and (eventually) his entire apartment. He had then sprawled out on a sheet-less bed, clad only in a pair of frog-themed boxers, and tried valiantly not to contract either hypothermia or frost bite—his body had smelt like musty clothes and after nearly throwing up, he had given fresh air priority over trivial things like warmth and decent sleep).

Neither Sasuke nor Sakura needed to know the truth, however and that was fine with Naruto as far as he was concerned. They took his statement at face value (for the first time ever) and didn't press him any further (other than giving him time to elaborate—clearly, they didn't realize the perils involved if Naruto did tell them the truth about the state of his laundry—and letting the silence prolong rather awkwardly for more than a minute). Kakashi cleared his throat not long after, briefed them—"We shall engage our mind, body, and soul and eliminate all inappropriate traces of chewed gum from the Park"—and herded them off to their mission.

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I love reviews. So, do send one my way. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: It has been a really, really long time since I worked on this story. Hopefully, y'all enjoy it just as much.

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In the land of Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, far away from reality, Naruto and Sasuke were in love and all was happy. In that far, far, far away land, Sasuke hadn't teamed up with his lover's eternal rival, Sakura, to ambush him. And, in that perfect reality, Naruto wasn't tied to a tree and starving because his teammates wanted to know what was wrong with him.

So far, Naruto decided, lunchtime was going horribly wrong. The problem with acting out of character, Naruto was realizing, was that people noticed. It wasn't that he was opposed to it, but it really, really didn't work too well when they started asking questions, which was dumb in Naruto's opinion because if someone was behaving differently, then they weren't going to tell you just because someone else asked that the someone, and said someone probably had tons and tons of good reasons anyways, so it didn't even matter in the end.

His day, which had started out as merely traumatizing and terrifyingly awful had soon degenerated into worse. Kakashi, the sick, sadistic bastard, had divided them up into teams. Naruto naturally was not happy with the arrangements. "I don't see why we need to divide up into pairs to pick gum from surfaces," he had objected loudly and at length.

Kakashi had remained implacable as always and merely smirked in that way of his (where his one visible eye _twinkled_ of all things and the mask pulled weirdly over his mouth and made Naruto think bad, bad things about silk gags and ribbons). Naruto, after mentally going through all the odd facts he now knew about Kakashi (thanks to his stint hiding out behind the laundry machine), merely said (demanded), "Why do always pair me with Sasuke? If you want team cohesiveness," (yeah, those haiku books really came in handy sometimes), "then you should pair me with Sakura." Naturally, his logic worked on the wrong person.

"Actually, I think that would be good idea," Sakura chimed in brightly. Naruto took one look at her (hands held together, earnestness vibes—fake ones at that—pouring off of her in large quantities) and was immediately swamped by images of a gleeful Sakura tying him up to a park bench through lunch break—lying about him having gone home because he'd forgotten something—then coming back at the end of practice to interrogate him on what was happening and why he was using big words like "cohesiveness" and thinking even bigger words like "earnestness." This thought was of course followed by visions of a bloodbath, where Sasuke's fan club would stone him to near-death and poison the medication in the hospital so that he turned ugly and blue and foamed at the mouth (this would also prevent him from making a death bed confession to Sasuke) and then they would stage a riot on the day of his funeral so that he would be buried alone and have no flowers on his grave.

His was mentally chanting no, no, please, no and was about to say something to that effect when Sasuke snapped at him to "Shut up, we get the idea." Of course, this led Naruto to question exactly how much of his mental thought processes had not been contained to his own mind. Deciding that this was a futile train of thought because nobody would ever, ever tell him, Naruto settled for bribing his teacher.

"I promise not to bleach all of your clothes next Tuesday if you make this a not-team oriented activity," he offered. "Or at the very least not pair me with Sasuke." There was a pregnant silence as everyone considered this. Kakashi stared at the sky and Naruto considered whether or not he should promise to watch over the laundry as well so that the other residents didn't steal it.

"Alright," Kakashi said. "You two will cover the South and West and Sakura will cover what's left." Naruto nodded vigorously, because hey, a deal was a deal and really, he hadn't said that he would never bleach Kakashi's clothes, just next Tuesday and the park was huge and he could hide; he was good at hiding.

***

Unfortunately, hiding was only an option until lunch time when he had to go join the others because he was a growing boy who had to feed a demon in addition to sustaining his physical body and he wasn't masochistic enough to deny himself the simple pleasure of food. But, of course, the Gods hated him. Sakura, it seemed, had no such qualms about growing bodies and had simply tied him up to a tree after knocking him unconsciousness.

Naruto stared mournfully at the ground and wandered if his teacher would come save him and what kind of payment the bastard would extract out of him. "You could just tell us what's wrong with you," Sasuke pointed out. Naruto tried to look anguished, which wasn't all that hard anyways given his current predicament. Sasuke looked disappointed and went back to eating his food. Naruto's stomach growled.

Sakura twitched and muttered to herself, then cheeks reddening, she finally blurted out, "Are you lusting after Kakashi-sensei? Is that why you're stalking him?"

A series of terrifying images involving Kakashi and himself tumbled through Naruto's mind, leading to its unfortunate breakdown and inability to communicate to his tormentors the true despair he felt at such an idea. Unfortunately, the silence had lasted long enough by this point that Sakura had started to look at him with something close enough to disbelief and horror that Naruto's mind revolted even more.

"Gnargh," he offered, but this only confounded the problem because now _Sasuke_ was looking at him in interest.

"Well," Sakura temporized, "he isn't that bad, and I mean he's certainly not the worst person to fall in love enough." Naruto's mind offered up even more mind-meltingly horrendous images.

"Um," he said. "Look. It's not like that," he tried again, which only prompted both Sasuke and Sakura to regard him their patented you-are-a-moron-beyond-telling-we-can't-believe-you-became-a-ninja-what-was-iruka-thinking expression. "You could just tell us," Sasuke pointed out again in his watch-me-be-reasonable tone, but this was all a filthy vicious lie because Sasuke had let Sakura tie up his one and true love, i.e. Naruto. (Naruto was working on the assumption that Sasuke would accept that they—Sasuke and Naruto—were meant for each other and was only waiting for someone (aka Naruto) to clue him into their eternal love for each other. He refused to contemplate the idea that Sasuke might reject him).

His stomach growled again. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sasuke chose that exact minute to show compassion and stuck some food in his mouth. In his defense, Naruto had tried to speak. He really, really, really had, but Sasuke had thwarted him probably to give Sakura to plot her next move. He decided he was going to be the better person here and clear up this confusion before it got even worse. "He's like my father," Naruto blurted out, rice particles spraying out in front of him.

Sakura's eyes widened and her blush, which had died down some point during Naruto's attempt to better the situation, was back in full force again. "Naruto," she began, and this was when Naruto realized the true extent to which he had just screwed himself over with his ill-thought out statement.

Sasuke made a hand-gesture that must have meant 'shut-up, let us go discuss this in private' because Sakura cut off her speech and they both wandered off into the distance, leaving Naruto tied to a tree and contemplating ritual suicide. After a brief struggle with his bonds, Naruto (wisely) utilized this brief interlude to list the pros and cons of Sakura and Sasuke thinking that he was in love with Kakashi. The cons obviously were that Sasuke now believed that Naruto was in l*** with Kakashi (his mind refused to even contemplate that word in conjunction with Kakashi anymore), and this would eventually hurt Naruto's attempts to confess to Sasuke in the future. On the other hand, it might get Sakura to leave him alone, which would be for the best all things considered. Before he really got around to deciding whether the con out-weighed the pro, Sakura and Sasuke returned.

"Sometimes these things happen," Sasuke said in a tone resembling comfort. Naruto's mind boggled at this. "We just want to help," Sakura added. "We're your teammates…and friends," she stated in her supportive voice. Lies, Naruto thought. Vicious, filthy lies being told by a vicious filthy lie-teller who could fake earnestness at the drop of a hat.

Someone sighed in the background. "Liar, Naruto. And, no, we're not lying. We really do want to help," Sakura soothed. "Look, we're going to come up with a plan of action."

"I don't want help, you. You. You home-wrecker. I just want to be left alone." Sakura looked shocked at that, which was bizarre because he had certainly called her worse, but clearly it was already too late. "Just accept our help, and we'll forget that what you just called me," she told him while untying his bonds. Sasuke nodded in agreement and finally, finally offered Naruto a lunch box.

***

Four hours later, the park was clean, and Naruto had sunk into a pit of total and utter despair from which there was no way out. Sakura had taken the time to go out of her way and had checked up on Naruto periodically. "Chin up, Naruto," she'd said the first time around. The second time she had come by, it had been "With me and Sasuke on your side, it'll work out." And, "How're you holding up?" and "It's a good thing he already knows you so well, it'll be a definite advantage."

The awful thing had been that Sasuke seemed to be in on it as well. He had shown up two and half-hours into their work and silently started helping Naruto with his gum-picking endeavors. When Naruto had tried to inform Sasuke "I don't need any help. I'm not a girl you know," Sasuke had smiled grimly and said, "You're going to need all the help you can get." Naruto had tried very, very hard not to burst into tears at that and had maintained a stony silence the rest of the day.

They were gathered again on the rooftop again for a post mission debriefing, which was something that Kakashi had obviously made-up on the spot to torment Naruto further. Not that Naruto was going to accuse Kakashi of it and give away his secret. He was contemplating if stealing Kakashi's underwear and hanging it from a tree in the center of town would shame the man appropriately when he realized that everyone was staring at him. "What?" he demanded.

"Share with us what you learned today," Kakashi prompted him. Naruto stared at the man and tried to come up with something appropriate to say. Clearly, telling him about how Sakura and Sasuke had tied him to tree and tortured him with starvation was out of the question. So was admitting that he had been so distracted that Sasuke had finished first. "Okay. Well, you clearly learned a lot. Thank you for sharing, Naruto. I will see you all two days from today," Kakashi said, dismissing the entire class. Naruto tried not to feel too betrayed by the fact that he had spoken out loud again without intending and made a mental note to learn better control over his mouth-brain connection.

Sakura coughed in the background before cheerfully declaring, "Naruto has something to tell you," and dragging Sasuke off with her. Naruto stared after them in hatred and tried not to hate her too much. Mostly he failed, but he gave himself points for effort anyway. Sighing, he turned back to Kakashi only to find the man looking at him with that damned _twinkle_ in his eye. Naruto tried not to be too terrified (and failed).

"They might have accidentally gotten the impression that I'm in…in." He took a fortifying breath. "Inlovewithyou," he forced out. Kakashi continued to stare at him. "THEY STARTED IT. BLAME THEM," he added for clarification. Kakashi blinked a couple times before looking at the sky for inspiration. He finally came up with "Do my laundry and I won't tell them the truth" which led to excessive yelling on Naruto's part ("YOU BASTARD. NO. REALLY. BASTARD"), some throwing of kunai, some ducking of reciprocal kunai-throwing, and Naruto storming off in a huff.

***

Naruto slipped in through his bedroom window pissed off and dirty from the day's work. He had already stripped out of all his shirts and was working on his pants when he heard someone clearing their throat. Apparently, Kiba (and his damned dog), Shikamaru, and Neji had all broken into his apartment and were lying in wait for him. Naruto gaped at them and tried not to feel too much like a maiden while he scrambled for something to cover his exposed chest with.

Kiba was the first to break the silence. "We think you should do laundry," he said. Shikamaru and Neji nodded. Kiba's dog barked in agreement as well. Really, Naruto thought, the audacity of them breaking into his apartment and offering him advice on his house-keeping skills. He reacted in the most rational way possible: attempting to kill the three lying, hypocritical, traitorous ex-friends.

When the smoke cleared, Naruto became aware of two very important things. The first was that he had no clean laundry to wear anymore. The second was that he no longer had a place to live. "Crap" he thought looking at the blackened, gaping hole that had been his apartment. Shikamaru merely sighed in dismay.


End file.
